"Then Peter came up to Him and said, Lord, how many times may my brother sin against me and I forgive him and let it go? Up to seven times? Jesus answered him, I tell you, not up to seven times, but seventy times seven!!"
One bridge falls, another rises.
I woke up sobbing, not sure of the dream... but there was a deep sadness that overwhelmed me. There were no words to explain the stabbing sorrow I was feeling. My husband gently woke me and wrapped his loving arms tightly around me to comfort me. He must have been scared, not knowing quite what to do. The crumbling heap of childlike innocence, not who he knew as his wife, one who is usually strong and sure, now, seemingly broken and lost was foreign to him.
And to me.
My young daughter describes me as calm under pressure. I get crazy over things that really don’t matter, just to stir them up I guess. Keep it real…so to speak. However, when something happens to me, some would consider devastating, like a car accident, a shattered leg or a death, I become stoic. I become matter of fact; calm.
I thought something like my mom’s death would be different. I have been praying for some kind of release. It is almost too much to bear. Why won't the tears come?
Because… I am not sad. Some reading this may think that seems harsh... but read on.
I have been wondering, how I have been able to walk in victory of mom's journey home to be with Jesus, without breaking down and crying. I do have my moments, in private.
I do not feel the sorrow that I imagined I would have felt, if I had not made the journey home 5 months ago, if reconciliation had not been given to us, through love. If she had not come to know Jesus and fully 'believed' she was going home. This would be a different story.
A tale full of regret, what if’s, what could have been.
I tried to battle with not having a dark cloud of despair, or grief, hanging over me, but there is too much Joy in what God has done to not allow the Son to shine!
God has revealed so much to me this last year. I have learned to mourn the losses in my life that came at me like a constant barrage at an early age. Somewhere in my middle teens, I began to understand, that what I questioned, was reality. Later on…in my adult years, the truth was revealed and deepened the cavern that had been dug out by abandonment, unspeakable abuse which led to self destruction, alcohol and drug abuse and raw emotions that led me to the brink of suicide..
It was only through the saving grace of Jesus Christ, that I learned about forgiveness... it became my war cry. There were many years, I found myself feeling like a hamster in one of those plastic balls at the top of a flight of stairs, no one to stop me from rolling down, each step more painful than the one before. No matter how many times I attempted to reconcile my mom, to show her I had forgiven her for looking the other way, somehow it only made things worse. My love for Christ seemed to only widen the divide between us. My husband begged me to give up.
Then after my grandmothers death, the thought of reconciliation seemed unattainable, I finally parted ways from my family; buried any feelings I had left. The space between my mother and I seemed endless and hopeless. I wanted to be obedient to God’s word… but how could I honor my mother and father when they wouldn’t allow me in?
Then, last April a new revelation came from the recorded voice of my deceased grandmother. I interviewed days before she passed away…and she spoke words that cut me to the core.
Truth was revealed. It was harsh. I was never wanted. Down deep... I guess I always knew. I just never had any idea how true it was. My parents, upon finding out that my mother was pregnant, drove over the border to find a doctor… she used potassium p that guaranteed the end of my life… I guess God had a different plan.
This pain, was raw, it went deeper than any pain I had suffered previously. I wanted to pick up the phone and ask why…but I knew the denial would be the same as it always was…
This time I chose to forgive silently, a vow made between Jesus and me. I was at peace.
I could have turned and never looked back, but forgiveness wouldn't allow it.
She would never know, I knew the truth.
Although my husband couldn’t bare to see me walk through self-inflicted pain…I vowed to be obedient to Gods word and honor my mom…whether I thought she deserved it or not. I stayed in touch only to make the occasional holiday phone calls, praying for the answering machine. It was just easier that way. I felt as if I was doing my duty as a daughter, wanted or not.
I no longer had a family to go home to.
A bridge can change everything...
This story is too amazing to feel sorrow.
Even, now, as I write... I find myself energized again.
It all begin with the collapse of a bridge.
August 1, 2007 the I-35 bridge collapsed over the Mississippi River in Minneapolis, Minnesota. 13 lives were lost that day and the devastating news went around the world. A few weeks later, flood waters ravaged the southern part of the state, sending more news across the nation. This prompted a phone call. It was also the day a new bridge began to be built.
God began to build a bridge between the hearts of a mother and daughter. Separated by years bitterness, guilt, unforgiveness, pride, anger, spite, hate, and jealousy.
I realize now the only thing that could repair the bridge was for it to collapse completely. To destroy the thin generation support beams that had held it together.
The structure never had true sound support. The beams were cracked and riddled with the rust of weathered hatred. Bitter cold and lingering, while unforgivness deteriorated the bridge over the years until it finally collapsed and flood waters washed away the pain to reveal the underlying truth. Love existed anyways.
He showed me the way. His timing was perfect, to the hour.
Honestly, this past week has been amazing. I have felt closer to God than ever before. Knowing how much He loves me, is something I believe is rare for most Christians to grasp. Knowing, really knowing, that He is in control and He will make a way. He will give us the desires of our heart, He knows what that is... and He fulfilled it for me... and more so, for my mom.
He sent me to heal. He sent me to be healed. I was willing to give up my own dreams. If He would just send someone to open the door to find Him. He instead, gave me more than I could have ever dreamed. Love.
How can there be sadness, when a mother and daughter, who rarely shared earthly love and adoration, were brought together and given the chance to experience a lifetime of love in a matter of hours, weeks and months?
Perhaps I could dwell on what could have been or what might have been to come... but what good would that do? I have no control. This has been the ultimate revelation. God is in control.
When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory.
"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1Corinthians 15:54-59
God uses all things for good. Even tragedy. When I think about the tragic chain of events that led to this Plan of God... it is simply miraculous.
Gods secrets were revealed.
Love.
Him first
Everyone else.
Now, others have begun to cross the bridge. My dad, not by birth, but by choice... my sister, my aunt. I wonder who else will decide to cross the bridge.
They say there are over 80,000 bridges in dire need of repair in this country.
I believe there are many more hurting hearts… ones that can be repaired by three words. I Love You.
It is simple, if you trust and obey.
If you Forgive.
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